"I Live On The Gravel!"

Mike's bachelor party was last Saturday. Oh, my dear Lord.

We didn't go all out, like your conventional bachelor parties. We just hung out at Mike's place, played a little bocce ball (all the meanwhile we were getting pretty loaded), then we decided to head uptown to get something to eat at the bar.

Mike's younger brother Kevin took off before we did, but we managed to get to the bar before him. How? Well, instead of your typical 20 mph speed limit within city limits, we hit 70 mph. We passed Kevin, but then stopped just in time for a stop sign. Then, we almost jumped the curb next to the bar -- Sean was pretty startled from the sudden stop as he almost choked on a pretzel stick.

Just as soon as we entered the bar, the NASCAR race at Richmond just started. My boy Ryan Newman was racing his way in the Chase for the Cup, so I was pretty interested. But I took some pretty good razzing from Mike and others at the other end of the bar.

"Which way do we turn?"

"I think left."

"And after that?"

"Another left ... and maybe another left after that."

"Are you sure? How 'bout a right turn?"

"Nope, keep hangin' lefts!"

(Newman eventually made the Chase, clinching the 10th and final spot.)

After a few eats at the bar, we made our way back to Mike's house and met up with some of the ladies who were celebrating Lacey's bachelorette party. They were just leaving, as we were, as we began our classic road trip through the country side. Yes, Mike continued to drive.

We headed east out of town, then north on gravel, when Mike all of a sudden started driving like a wild-man, like he was driving a 410 Sprint car on dirt. Even though his Ford Probe was a front-wheel drive, he had his back end sliding this way and that. Scary, to say the least, as I buckled up just in case if we went into the ditch.

After we crossed a river, we parked and switched a few passengers -- with stories being traded amongst Mike's and Kevin's vehicles that Mike was absolutely crazy behind the wheel. Now I was in the front passenger seat next to Mike and we continued to head north on the gravel.

Mike's speed continued to increase. I'll admit, my heart started to pump a little faster as the needle once again edged near 70 mph. I felt responsible to tell Mike that we were exceeding the speed limit on a gravel road.

"I live on the gravel!" Mike exclaimed.

Okay ... Mike's now delirious.

We turned east at a T-intersection at which I thought for sure we were going to lose it into the ditch, but luck was on Mike's side as his left rear wheel brushed the top of the ditch and the front-wheel drive found enough grip to keep the vehicle on the road. After traveling about a mile, we turned south on an old driveway to a farmstead that we used to affectionately call "The Abandoned Place." It's a nice little secluded farm site next to the river, with an old farmhouse that's completely condemned and a huge barn that's still in pretty good shape. But in between the farm site and river is rolling pasture. Mike and Kevin both collectively decided to head for the pasture for a "little fun," hitting large potholes and bumps alike as us passengers smashed our heads into the ceilings of the vehicles.

After that, it got a little blurry (brain damage, perhaps), but we drove back to town in one piece and continued to have our fun.

(Later on that night, Mike did hit a deer with his Probe. Apparently, Mike literally scared the shit out of the animal as feces shot up the side of the car and some of the contents hit a few of the passengers. NICE.)

Being the old gents that we are, a lot of people started to fall off (or just left) as the night wore on. It probably wasn't until just after midnight when all who was left was Mike, Kevin, and myself and sooner or later, we dozed off.

It was about 3:00 in the morming when the ladies came home to wake us up -- Katie and Lacey laughing (probably out of sheer drunkeness) with Lacey sucking on a penis-shaped lollipop. Again, NICE.

There you have it -- a wonderful, drunked weekend before the storm next Saturday. Mike and Lacey are going to be a married couple, but I'm already scared poop-less about remembering anything after the wedding!