True Happiness...? Movin' On

I have debated for sometime whether or not to write down what exactly has been happening in my life lately. Some of you already know, some of you probably don't have a clue.

But, after careful thinking and some consideration, the only real people who actually come across TonyTimes are people I know. If people stumble across it and read it -- I couldn't care less. They're people I don't know and if they leave a stupid comment, that's because they don't know the situation and they don't know me. Simple as that.

I've been "blogging" for nearly 7 years now (WAY before the blog-explosion), on my old college web page. It's a been an outlet to let lose a little bit: cause a little controversy, talk about the everyday goings-on, or get serious once in a while about an issue. But mainly, I think, it is a "selfish" way to leave my mark on the world, or in cyberspace, for my own personal good. It's normal for me, this kind of self-journalism, a way to glorify others and myself. I've been doing it for years: making home movies, slide shows, whatever. It's all for me and the people I know.

Now my friends thank me for carrying around that camcorder back in the day, recording the typical goings-on in a high schooler's life, or snapping pictures whenever the chance presents itself. People have remarked on how my mind is still sharp about our past and the different situations we used to get ourselves into -- well, now you know.

After that thorough explanation, it's time to delve. It's a rare treat to go deeper into the life of TonyTimes, but we only live once. It's time to be therapeutic.

The great personal tragedy occurred this summer, something that I thought could never happen to me. After just over a year of marriage, Katie and I have decided to go on our separate ways.

It's something that I could never expect to happen. But it happened, there is no sense in denying it.

I could provide opinions/excuses, but what good could that do?

Things just gradually got worse as soon Katie and I made the transistion over from South Dakota to Minnesota. We simply didn't have the time to spend with each other. I was so busy and wrapped up in my first full-year of teaching and she had her own education. The communication just wasn't there any longer and we were depending on assumptions. Although through our "talks," I tried to assure Katie that it was going to get better. That held through for a little bit, but when the school year finally got over with, it was too late.

I still saw the light at the end of the tunnel -- I now had all the time in the world to spend some quality time with my own wife. But since Katie thought I had alienated her long ago, she was depending on her own friends. I promptly took the backseat to her new alternative lifestyle, something that I couldn't comprehend. It was doomed.

There was nothing left to fix, she said. She simply did not want to make the effort to make it work. She simply ran out of feelings for myself and the marriage.

It came to a head on the 4th of July. Katie moved out the following day.

A couple of weeks later after some serious thinking, it was decided that we should go our separate directions.

That month of July was probably the worst time in my life -- apart from somebody dying. I had blamed myself for things going wrong ... feeling sorry for myself. It took a lot of time Back Home to get my bearings straight -- things were just not good. After hearing all I could from my family and some of my closest friends, there was nothing that I could have done to prevent this. It simply was not my fault.

After I had figured that out for myself, I was starting to feel a lot better. Just like Katie, I was also quite miserable throughout the spring and into the summer. My confidence drifted back a bit (along with my appetite) and I eventually put the wheels in motion to end the marriage.

Although I was still reeling from the events, it seemed like a weight had been lifted, like I was free again. It's not like I was super-anxious to get out of that situation (because I had felt that it could have been saved, if Katie would've put in the effort), but I just figured it was for the best. With the situation as it was, there was no way it could've gotten better.

I hired a lawyer in the beginning on August and hopefully it'll all be said and done before September rolls around.

Katie and I do not completely hate each other -- that was never the case. We still talk from time to time regarding the cats (who are staying with me) and whatever, but we are being adults in this situation. I'm not out to kill her financially, and either is she, it's just a complete understanding on both of our parts.

We had been together for 4 years (including the marriage) and I had known her prior to that. I have no regrets in what has transpired. There's no use dwelling on the past and wishing things could change. It just happens.

But for me, I'm just looking out for my best interests. I'm all about what makes me happy. Like I have posted previously throughout this month in TonyTimes, the month of August has been a God-send. I've never had so much fun in my life. I'm just continuing to be super-thankful that I've got family and friends that know who I am deep-down and who care for me and have always been there in need for support. I just cannot stress that enough.

An old friend of mine asked me yesterday at the ball field why I was spending so much time Back Home. Apparently, he didn't know the situation and I wasn't prepared to tell him face-to-face, but Back Home is where I could find true happiness. It was my comfort zone, a place where I truly felt included and treated me like the Tony of Old.

I almost hate coming back to P-Town -- there's just nothing for me here. I come back to an empty house with nobody to talk to. I've got the cats and they give me some attention, but it's just not the same. I get so bleeding bored -- I try to do something to occupy my mind and only a couple of minutes go by and I have to find something else to do.

I just got so used to having somebody there ... Katie was my stability here in P-Town. That's what everybody thought: it's Tony and Katie. The Yin to my Yang. Now that one person is gone, it's tough to stand on one leg. She was always there to hear my bitchings about the students at school, always willing to make the extra effort to get something done for me, always willing to be THERE.

Until the day I die, there will always be that absence of her presence. I'll miss her eyes, her smile, her laugh, her smell. That's something that a person just cannot get rid of.

But I've accepted the fact that it's over and it was time to move on. I no longer have any real feelings for Katie; it's more of a friendship-thing now.

When is it the right time to move on ... go back to the dating thing?! Do I have to respect the past marriage and my relationship with Katie. Or do I go with my gut-instincts and serve my best interests? Time is the only answer and it'll let me know.

There are a few of my friends that think that I should go after Mike's sister-in-law (in which I haven't concluded whether they're pulling my leg or I should take the matter somewhat seriously). I tried testing the waters slightly last weekend and was greeted by some serious cold shoulder-action, which was surprising. Maybe I'll have to wait a few months and let that thaw out a little...

But the last thing I need is to be so desperate for anyone who thinks I'm hot-shit, because if I fall for that, I'm not going to get any respect. I think it's best is to wait a little while, keep my ear to the ground and see if somebody can see the good in me once again. I just need a little confidence and a jump to my step and things will be right as rain.

I would just love to see if I still got it after all of this. I'm a wiser person now, but it would be nice to know that I can still show a lady a good time. I'm sure I could, because I was always pretty good at doing that part!

Time. That's all it's going to take. It's a bugger, but with my rejuventated attitude on life and on the future, time will fly on by and before you know it, I will hopefully be truly happy once again.