Just Shoot Me Now

Cripes ... I just found out that I have to chaperone the high school's Homecoming dance.

Just when I thought that I was out, they pull me back in!

I cannot even remember the last dance that I had attended -- one when I was sober!

I remember my last high school dance of my senior year, somewhat vividly. All of us guys were all set to camp at the river that night near Mike's house, so I "stole" a 12-pack of beer from the cafe that I worked at and decided to have a little pre-dance party before we rolled in and crashed the joint.

Again, my life is complete drama. At that time, I was "dating" an extremely high-maintenance girl during a part of my senior year. During school that day, prior to the dance itself, I had asked her if she was going.

Tony: Are you going to the dance tonight?

Her: No, I'm visiting friends in a nearby town instead. Why? Are you going?

Tony: Yeah, probably.

But, of course, during that period of time in between the conversation and the dance itself, we decided to finish off a 12-pack of whatever-it-was and I had decided not to go to the dance because the ol' "battle-axe" wasn't going to be there anyway.

With enough liquid courage, we decided to make the trip into town anyways -- arriving around 11:00 in the evening with an hour left to go. We snuck into a side door into the gym and I was immediately gang-raped by a group of people telling me that so-and-so was looking for me. Well, about a second after recovering from the swarm-fest, I was literally yanked off my feet and dragged out onto the dance floor and was blasted by questions about where I was at.

Her: Where the hell were you? You said you were going to be here!

Tony (barely breathing): You said you weren't going to be here!

Her: Yeah, well ... I changed my mind!

Being half-drunk, I did the best I could. Her and I finished out the dance the best we could and I extended the invitation for her to come to the campsite that night. Stories were afloat about what had actually happened in the tent that night, but mind you, I was a gentleman and did not do a thing. Hopefully after 10 years, I can finally quash that rumor!

But for now, being an old fart at 28 years of age, I get to be one of those old fogeys who stands back along the wall in the gym, making sure that the teenagers don't "bump-n-grind" and do all that. Will I stop them? Hell, no. If they want to do it, be my guest. I'm not getting in between all that.

But, man! A dance ... I just might have to make a stop at the bar before I hit that dance up, just to take the edge off! Who am I kidding? ... I'd better settle down -- I'm not my brother!

I'll pull the "Nick Lachey" and keep a counter on me and see how many of these high school ladies ask me to dance ... now this'll be interesting!